New Behavior: life after addiction, sabotage, and emptiness
I define addiction as what I do to avoid and escape my feelings. One feeling I have tried avoiding is boredom. In my seeking of being seen and then approval by the seer, I have had some of the biggest and destructive thrills. The blame game is so fun. Finger pointing too. Actually, approval of my finger pointing is the largest thrill I seek. “Do you see what this person did to me??” The tricky thing with love addiction, approval addiction, and not eating enough because feeling empty is a high, is that they all sabotage my joy.
So I go into a meeting yesterday with my boss. I admire this boss, and I love this job- an intentional career shift of sorts. I could feel the urge to sabotage this meeting, like a slug in my brain about to clog my appropriate filter and leak uninvited slime in the air. And really, it was just a checking-in meeting. The space of silence after my simple and light responses was fucking depressing. No high. No distraction. No drama. There is grief in choosing new behavior.
As I choose new behavior I want it to be in a framework of purpose. We all need purpose, and specifically to feel significant, whether the significance is through robbery or becoming a parent, it is there within the human. (Click here for Tony Robbins “6 Human Needs” TedTalk) For me, my current focus is stepping into leadership and maybe management.
I define management as the most believable person facilitating productivity in the spirit of experience and service. Click here to learn more on “the believable person” in Ray Dalio’s book, Principles.
Well, that’s great, but I really want to keep criticizing management and crawl under the bed… I have a choice. I want to own my true power.
The tricky thing after some kinds of addictions, which we all have, is that we need love after the love addiction. I need some approval after the approval addiction. I need to be seen as who I am after being seen as who I was trying to be for you. I need to eat after using food to try and control my life. I don’t need sabotage though. It is an interesting form of selfishness. It is a way for me to isolate and believe that you can have lasting joy, but I can’t. I don’t want to put me or my friends through that anymore.
New behavior is one day at a time, embracing the challenges I will have, lightening up, fully participating in my life, and doing the work so I have new brain vitamins to chew on. And not just new vitamins, but true vitamins. A way I get to have this is by listening to others’ stories and gathering their own strength in the mystery to take with me in the day.
The confident person is the willing person. The willing person is the open minded person. The open minded person is the manager. The manager is already a leader in their life, co-designing their path with the universe. — Lyndsey Rieple
